Riley

I told Riley about his little brother yesterday. This morning I showed him a picture. I've always known that he needs to know but wasn't sure of the right time to tell him. Then I realized that I don't ever want him to think I kept information from him. So we talked about it. Yes, one of the reasons I hadn't told him yet was to protect him and wait until he was ready to process some hard questions, but really I was also protecting myself from having to answer those hard questions. So I prayed hard and jumped in. Riley and Zeke have the same biological father and Anthony has a different father. About a year after Anthony was born, and after parental rights had been terminated, their mom had another little boy with a different father. Our boys now have the difficult task of trying to figure out why their mom kept him and not them. Zeke and Anthony don't seem to care at all at this point. I don't think it will ever matter to Zeke. It might to Anthony as he gets older but he's had such a great begining with his foster parents and we keep him in touch with them. They seem to be who he is most concerned about besides us at this point in his life. Riley is now telling everyone he had 3 brothers, which is true. So we'll see where this new journey takes us.

Tennessee Day Three - Still Waiting

This is our hotel. . We're enjoying the view while we wait for Baby Pickard to make her entrance into the world. I just had a text from Allen that they are still waiting. David and I had fun at breakfast. Of course, everyone in the hotel loves him! I love southern hospitality. As I was going through the buffet line with David, one elderly gentleman offered to walk beside me and hold David's hand so I could get the food. Just because I'm capable of doing it myself doesn't mean I'm not smart enought to accept help when it's offered! David loved his eggs, sausage and yogurt!

Tennessee Day Three - Labor

Allen got a text at 2:50am that the doctor had broken the birth mom's water and she was dialated to a 4. Then at 3:10 am, he got the call that labor was progressing quickly. So he got ready and Alicia picked him up at 3:18am to head to the hospital to await the birth of the baby. Since it's labor number nine for her, they expect it to go fairly quickly. I haven't heard back yet so now David and I will have breakfast and wait for the call that they want David at the hospital. Then if everything goes as expected, we'll drive over and greet his new sister!

Tennessee Day Two - Evening

When we left the birth mom's house, Allen, Jen, Alicia and the birth mom went out for supper in one vehicle and David and I left in the rental. I used the GPS to get us close to the hotel but then we detoured into Target for a little shopping. (Allen requested a fan) After that, I drove David through McDonald's and we came back to the hotel. We played and wandered around the hotel for awhile until Allen came back around 7:30pm. He took David swimming while I watched the Vikings game. The birth mom requested Jen stay with her at the hospital after she was induced so we're just waiting to get the phone call from Jen that the baby is here. David's sleeping so I'm having fun on the computer.

Tennessee Day Two - Afternoon

At 3pm, Alicia, the adoption specialist, met us at the hotel and Jen jumped into her van. Allen, David and I followed in the rented minivan. Then we drove twenty minutes to the birth mom’s house. The actual distance wasn’t that far but the social and economic distance was huge. We were in a part of town that we normally wouldn’t even drive through and we definitely wouldn’t go there at night. . When we arrived, the birth mom greeted us warmly but seemed very preoccupied. In addition to lots of kids and phone calls, she had numerous people in and out of the house as we waited. The other kids of hers that we met were beautiful children. David had the unique opportunity of meeting the brothers of his sister! He wasn’t quite sure what to think. . It was a very interesting experience. Jen and Allen brought along a box of goodies for the kids made in our home state of South Dakota. They thought that was great! I have to admit that I was doing fine until Jen pulled out a baby Christmas ornament. Even though I knew it was coming, it made me cry. It was a rocking horse that said Baby’s First Christmas. She presented it to the other kids so they would have it to remember their sister. The ten year old took it gently and asked if he could open the box and put the ornament on the tree. Then he quietly asked if they would ever see their sister again. . As an adopted kid with a biological brother that I love, that pretty much broke my heart. . Jen let him know that they would come and visit every year so they could see her. And I know she means it because they’ve been amazing with David’s birth parents and grandparents. . The part that makes that heartbreak worthwhile is that after having been in that house and seeing even a part of what the other children live through, it’s good to know that this new baby girl will have every opportunity to succeed in life. Just to give you a vague idea of the living conditions, there were holes in the floor of the house and at least 6 kids and a few adults living there. And in order to heat the house, the stove burner was on and the oven door was open – even though there was a toddler living in the house. There’s lots more I could say but that part is definitely not my story to tell. Suffice it to say that this baby will be well loved and cared for with Jen and Allen. I'm so glad for this little girl that she will have them for parents.

Adoption Specialist

The wonderful adoption specialist, Alicia.

Tennessee - We're Here

6:00am - Up and drinking coffee 7:30am - Spending time with the kids 8:20am - Dropping Brit off at the gymnastics meet 8:30am - Setting up for PRIDE training 9:00am - PRIDE training 12:00pm - Arrive at the airport to fly to Tennessee Taylor wrote me the most darling little note that said, "I'll miss you mom, love Taylor Wilkins." Like I might think another Taylor will miss me this week! All my kids did pretty well saying goodby at the airport. I quickly changed clothes, the plane was loaded, I hugged everyone and we climbed into the plane. The take-off was great because the plane had forward and rear-facing seats and I've never experienced a take-off facing backwards before. David, who is only 1, had a great time flying. For the most part, he was free to roam around the cabin so he thought it was fun. There was quite a bit of wind in Missouri and in a small plane, a little turbulance can toss you around quite a bit. But after a pit stop for gas, the rest of the trip went very smoothly. . We touched down in Tennessee around 5 o'clock. We arrived into a beautiful private airport and then drove to the hotel. We've got a suite, free breakfast, two tv's, and internet access. What more could anyone ask for? . The adoption specialist met us at the hotel and then drove us to an authentic BBQ restaurant for supper. The food was spectacular! I had a 1/2 rack of ribs with coleslaw and sweet potato fries. We chatted as we ate and then I kept David occupied so Jen and Allen could visit with the adoption specialist. I'm sometimes a very harsh judge of character but I can honestly say that I love their adoption worker. She was fun to chat with and really cares about Allen and Jen. . By the time we arrived back at the hotel, David was asleep so we got our stuff situated in the room while we talked. . Tomorrow Allen and Jen are scheduled to meet with the birthmom and some of her kids around 3pm, and David and I will go along. Then at 6pm the birthmom is scheduled to be at the hospital to begin inducing labor. David and I will probably come back to the hotel and play for the evening while everyone else is at the hospital. Then everyone just waits. The hospital is in a very different neighborhood than Allen and Jen are used to so it will be a very different experience for them. Please pray for strength and encouragement for them and peace for the birthmom.

Riley

This is for those of you that are of the mistaken impression that our son Riley is a completely healthy 7 1/2 year old boy. He's handsome, plays sports, has friends, loves to hug everyone and is generally polite. But even after living with us for almost three years, he still has issues with stealing and hoarding. The true issue is not really about either one. It really comes down to the fact that his little mind still doesn't think that we'll provide and take care of him so he tries to do it on his own. I took this picture this morning to show what I typically find every few weeks when I look between his bed and the wall. A majority of the trash is snack wrappers. I used to confront him with the trash but that didn't do either one of us any good. Now I just find it without him knowing so that I continue to know where his "secret" hiding place is. We're working on letting us know when he wants a snack and eating it in the kitchen at snack time. Thankfully, two of the other big issues we were concerned about with Riley seem to no longer be big issues; lying and innapropriate sexual behavior. We've worked really hard to develop a trust with Riley so he doesn't feel so threatened and defensive when questioned. He's a smart kid so when we take the time to talk things out with him, he usually figures things out. He has pretty low impulse contol so we also roll-play a lot to give him lots of practice at what's appropriate. He wants so badly to be a "normal" kid and to be liked by everyone. It's taken a long time and a lot of hard work but he's so much better in so many areas. We're so thankful for him!

Change

The official corn count is in! I've shucked, cut, cooked and frozed 148 quarts of sweet corn this fall. It's a lot of work but it really saves on grocery money during the winter. So thanks to all those who gave us corn! * Yesterday was another busy day. Is there any other kind? Steve was offered over time at Daktronics so he went in to work by 8am. I took Riley and Taylor to their soccer games. At Tay's game, I visited with another mom who's daughter was a good friend of Riley. Because Riley and Taylor are in the same soccer division, she asked if they were twins. Before I could respond, Riley pipes up, "I'm adopted!" Turns out both of her kids are adopted, too. We ended up having a great conversation. Later, I mentioned to Riley that his friend was adopted too and he told me she had already told him. He said that's why they're such good friends! * In the afternoon, Steve took Riley to SDSU for kid's football camp. He loved it! Not only did they learn skills, they get to interact with the SDSU football players. I love it 'cause it's free! * When Steve returned, he washed both vehicles inside and out. He had lots of help but not from me! I was busy trying to finish the corn. * We talked Brittney into babysitting for the evening (her paypment, per her request, was for us to take her to an SDSU girls basketball game) so Steve and I could both take Riley to the football game. Riley had a free ticket from football camp, Steve loves any sport and I am a football fanatic. The weather provided a great fall evening for football and the stadium was full of excited fans. The official count was over 12,000. I tend to get really excited during games and thought that Riley would be proud to have a mom that's so into football. Once after I cheered really loudly, Steve whispered to Riley, "Mom gets really excited at football games." Riley whispered back, "That's why we shouldn't of brought her." Yep. My job as a parent isn't complete unless I embarass my kids at least once. * One interesting thing about last night had to do with a change in my attitude. When we first got the boys about 3 years ago, I wanted so badly for them to like me. For the most part, they did, but they showed it in different ways. Anthony was young enough - just under 2 - that he wasn't overly demonstrative with us right away. Steve and I both already understood that was a actually a healthy attachment but Brit had a hard time because she loved her new little brother and she just wanted him to love her back like her friends younger siblings. We did a lot of interacting with Anthony, including reading and rocking at bedtime and he quickly learned to love us. . Zeke hated women. I am a woman therefore Zeke didn't like me at all. I think it took a few weeks of visits and lots of prompting from people he knew before he would even let me hold his hand to help him walk. And that was with someone of his choosing holding his other hand. Lots of time and effort on my part was all that was needed to teach him to trust me. That makes it sound lots easier that it really was but it's true. Now he tells everyone about me and loves to give me hugs. With a lot of hard work, we've come a long way! . On to Riley. I still remember the first time I heard his little 4 year old voice. I had called his social worker and Riley and his foster dad happened to be in her office. She asked if I would like to talk to him. I was scared. What if he decided during the call that he didn't like me? I tried to relax and just visit but it was hard. I felt like everything was riding on this one phone call. He sounded like any normal kid and we talked for a few minutes and then the social worker came back on the line and we concluded our call. I almost cried after the call. I wanted so badly to just go pick the boys up and bring them home right away. The whole process is another story for another day. I have tons to say about the day we met the boys in person but this blog entry is already too long and I haven't even made the last point I was going to make yet. And I have to leave for church in the next half hour! Anyway, for now, let's just say that Riley didn't have a healthy attachment right away. He would appear to "attach" to anyone. (Hopefully more on this later) As he, and we, struggled to form healthy attachment bonds, I wanted to hold him and hug him tons. After the initial honeymoon period wore off, I only wanted him in my personal space when I wanted him there. I felt like I didn't have any space of my own left in my house or around my body. Riley needed constant assurance, which included being physically close. It was tough and I'll be the first to admit, sometimes I just didn't let it happen. Thankfully, lots of times I did let it happen even though I didn't want him hanging on me. It felt so different to me when he was clinging to me than when Taylor did. Long story even longer, it's changed. And when I say it, I mean my attitude and feelings. I'm not sure exactly when because it's been a work in progress for so long. Last night at the game, Riley was hanging on me as I was trying to watch the game. He was playing with my hair. A few years ago, I might have let him do it, but inside I would have been angry about it. Last night, I can honestly say that it felt good to have him next to me twirling his fingers through my hair enjoying a game together!

Pictures

There's so much going on in my head right now that I can't even begin to blog about it. All I'll say is that I hardly ever cry (like maybe once every five years or so, seriously) but today I cried three times. And that isn't even counting the times I felt like it but didn't. It's a good thing God has everything in control. Maybe I'll blog about that stuff another day, maybe not. . In the midst of everything else today, we had two school meetings, a doctor's appointment and gymnastics. Life goes on. Because we rearranged our furnature downstairs, I was moving pictures and hanging some that had been stored. I love having pictures of different family members displayed in our house. I came across this one that had been in a tote for a couple of years. Riley and I were watching football as I was working on the pictures. As I pulled this one out, I thought a lot about whether or not I would hang it up.

It was taken when Brit was 6 and Tay was 2. I think it was our first and only professional family picture. I used to have it hanging in a very prominant place on the wall downstairs. After the boys moved in and we were waiting to finalize their adoption, I would look at that picture a lot. It always brought on a lot of different emotions.

*I realized that our family would never again look the same as in that picture. That was a wonderful feeling but also a bit sad. Our girls were just starting to be independent and now we were bringing in not just one, but three boys. What would our family look like now? Would we wish we were just the four of us again?

*I also thought about the boys and how they should be in our family picture now. To be honest, after going from 2 incomes down to one and going from 2 kids to 5, we just didn't have the money for a professional picture. We had a few snap shots but it just isn't quite the same. It was actually our realitor who provided us with our first "full" family picture. We were invited to a customer appreciation dinner put on by the reality company. Because it was free food and lots of fun stuff for the kids, we went. While there, the realitors had one of the photography stores in town come and take a picture of each family. I was so proud to have all of us together in that picture. Two years later, we were visiting family in Texas and had the opportunity to have a professional picture taken with all of Grandma Connie's family. We also had one of just our family of 7. It's the one that now hangs in the prominant place downstairs. I was so excited to finally have a professional photo of our whole family that I could display!

*

So since Christmas of 2007, we have had our new family picture proudly hanging in our house. But as I came across the older picture, I was trying to decide if I could hang it up again. Not in the "family picture" spot but with other pictures. I know some people would say that of course we could hang it up. After all, it's a picture I love of my family. But I also know that I have a son who has feelings, too. I wondered what he would think every day of having to visually confront the fact that he was not part of our original family. Other people would say to just put the old picture away. We don't need to see it all the time anyway since we have the new one. I was really confused as to what would be the best for all of us. Sometimes I'm selfish but one of my goals in life is to help my kids grow up to be as emotionally healthy as possible. And sometimes that means my desires take a backseat. I really wanted to ask Riley what he thought about the old picture but I knew he would probably just respond with what he thought I wanted to hear.

*

As I was hanging pictures, Riley and I talked and looked at lots of different pictures. I showed him a picture of my mom's family that had been taken about seven years ago. We visited about who was in the picture. My grandma and grandpa, my mom and dad, my sister and her husband, my uncle and aunt and their two kids, my other uncle and Steve, Brittney and I. We talked about those people for a while and then we discussed who wasn't in the picture; my niece Aubrey and nephew Coby, my cousin's husband Luke and their son Josh, and Riley, Taylor, Zeke and Anthony. We thought about how those people are part of our family now but they weren't went the picture was taken. We discussed how grandma and grandpa aren't alive anymore to be in our new family picture but we have lots of people in the new picture. We realized together that pictures are just a view of what life looks like right at a certain moment, a glimpse of life as it is but not as it remains.

*

So now if you come over to our house and go downstairs, you'll definitely see our beautiful family picture. But off to the side, where you might not see it right away, proudly hangs the picture of our family of the past.

View of My Bed in the Morning

This is why I never sleep in! Four kids in my bed and the little one said, "Roll over. Roll over." Seriously, it's great that they all want to snuggle with me. . One of the hard parts of foster parenting is that we're expected to treat foster kids like our own kids but there are certain regulations that we have to follow that make that really hard. One is that foster kids aren't allowed into your bed. It's obvious why they have rules like this in place but it's sad that it's necessary. It's all about protecting the children. Although it's really hard when a needy child just wants to be loved and snuggled like the other kids and I have to figure out a way accomplish that when they see my other kids climb into the bed and cuddle with me and they can't. For quite a while, no one was allowed onto our bed so it was nice once the boys' adoption was finialized and I could let the kids come to me in the night after a nightmare and just hold them and let them fall asleep in my arms. *** Here's a blast from the past. I think my sister and I must have been getting along on this particular morning :)

Zeke

The first picture of Zeke was taken a month before he moved into our home in 2006. The second picture was taken in 2007, after having been with us for a year. Sometimes when I'm feeling like I'm just treading water, I look at these two pictures together and praise God for how far we've come!

My Brother

I'm so excited about hanging out with my brother this weekend. Because I'm adopted, I've only known my brother since I was 20 but he's one of my best friends. He knows a lot about me and it's so relaxing to know that I don't have to be anyone other than who I am with him. It's awesome to have a big brother watching out for me. There's not a doubt in my mind that anytime I need him, he's there for me. Our relationship is special since we didn't grow up together but he always makes me feel like I'm part of his family. I couldn't ask for a better brother. * How I met my brother: When I was 20, I was working at KMart and attending classes at the college. Steve (my boyfriend then, husband now) spent quite a bit of time at my apartment even when I wasn't there. There was a guy that kept calling when I wasn't home and when Steve would ask to take a message, the caller would always say, "No message." After a few of these calls, Steve was starting to get a little upset. We talked about it and decided it must be one of my old boyfriends who I had seen at KMart a few weeks before. Then one day I was home when the phone rang. Steve answered it and then handed it to me, whispering, "It's that guy!" I took the receiver and said hello. The voice on the other end asked if I was Tricia and I said I was. Then he said the words that took my breath away. He said, "I'm your brother." Steve said I turned instantly white. I never even knew that I had a brother and now he was calling me! I can't even begin to explain how wonderful it felt to be sought out by him. He wanted me. He wanted to know me. He wanted me to be a part of his life. We spent some time on the phone getting to know each other and then at some point (I honestly can't remember if it was that phone call or a later one) we arranged a face to face meeting. But that's another post for another time. I really should be packing now :)

Parenting Class

If you ask me what I did last night, I would tell you that I went to a parenting class. If you ask Steve, he'd tell you he went to a parent meeting. I guess I'm the one who doesn't care if anyone knows that I'll take all the help I can get! Anyway, the class runs for 8 weeks and we have to drive an hour to get there. Thankfully I have a friend who usually picks me up and we ride together. Saves on gas and gives me an opportunity to have one of the few uninteruped adult conversations during the summer. . The class is two hours every Wednesday night. It's specifically geared towards parents who have children who are adopted and are a bit (or more) of a challenge to parent. It's led by two of the women from Children's Home Society and is called "Beyond Consequences". I've been trying to get away from the old way of parenting where I simply gives consequences. This model consentrates more on my relationship with my kids. It's amazing how well it works when I put it into action. Unfortunately, how affective it is depends a lot on how well I put what I know into practice. When I'm having a bad day I have to be really intentional about still parenting in a loving way. I'll definitely write more specifically about Beyond Consequences in the future. I've worked with many challenging kids through the years and have used tons of different techniques and this is one that I've found to be really great with kids with attachment issues. . Sometimes as a parent I get more upset about what others might think of my parenting and it prevents me from really concentrating on what is causing my kids' behaviors and how I can help them feel more safe and secure. According to this model, all behavior is either love based or fear based. I need to focus more on getting the responses I prefer through love and not scaring them into doing what I want. Parenting is always a learning curve :)

Adoption

I wasn't going to post this but decided it might give a little clearer view of adoption than the wonderful view that most people seem to have. I should begin by saying that I love and respect the parents I grew up with and know that I'm where I'm supposed to be in life. *** According to me, there are three views of adoption. The first doesn't understand it at all, the second thinks it's great for everyone involved, and the third category is for the rest of us who know it's just plain complicated. I decided before I can tell my boys' story, I should probably tell mine. *** Short version..... I was adopted as an infant and lived with my adoptive parents and adopted sister until I went to college. I was and am well loved and cared for. I love them and they love me. End of story. *** Long version.... My biological mom was not quite 18 years old and already had a two year old son when she became pregnant with me. Per her request, I was given immediately after birth to Social Services. I spent the first four months of my life in a foster home before I was adopted. Life Issue #1: After hearing voices I recognized for months and being in a safe warm enviroment, I was born and thrust into the bright lights and hands of strangers. Life Issue #2: After four months of getting to know those strangers; their way of holding me, feeding me, talking to me, playing with me, I was thrust into the hands of new strangers. I had to start all over and apparently I wasn't so sure I wanted to because somewhere in my small body I knew that I just might get used to these people just to be thrust somewhere else again. I grew up not really wanting to trust people. Life Issue #3: Try to develop a healthy self-esteem when you're old enough to realize that if your own mom didn't want you, who would? My life history has made me particularly cautious in developing deep relationships. There are very few people that can hurt me simply because there are very few people I let get close enough to hurt me. On a positive note, It's also enabled me to develop some awesomely close friendships with a few really trustworthy people. ***** I don't post this to discourage adoption. I'm a very firm proponent of adoption. I just think that sometimes people idealize it without realizing the full impact. It's something I think about nearly everyday as I parent my boys.