Gotcha Day

Sometimes I'm vague in my posts because legally I have to be and sometimes I'm vague because I've been hurt by blogging to openly. Even though someone reading may not always know exactly what I'm discussing, God can still use the words to speak to something other than what I'm directly refering to. An example would be the verse that I posted yesterday. I intentionally wrote it without any explanation or reference because what I needed to hear from God yesterday might be different from what someone else needs to hear from God when they read it.
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That being said, sometimes I'm not vague at all and today is one of those days. Since Steve and I both have the day off and I have a few minutes and only three kids awake so far, I intended to answer the question that has been posed to me many times - How do you keep up with so much laundry and not have it laying all over your house, especially when you're working almost full time? Good question. And someday I might answer it. But yesterday someone asked me a simple question that I had a hard time answering so I decided to write about it. If you don't like what I say, tough! Read someone else's blog :)
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The question was refering to our boys and was something to the effect of "What was their gotcha day?". For anyone not well-versed in adoption lingo, "gotcha day" can refer either to the day that the adopted child came into the home or the day the adoption was finalized. In the adoption community, it's considered a wonderful and happy event to be celebrated year after year like a birthday. We never celebrated "gotcha day" while I was growing up but I had friends that did. While they were little, they seemed to like it. What kids wouldn't like being celebrated, right?
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We don't celebrate a "gotcha day" in our current household either and I'm about explain why. First, let me reiterate that it's only my opinion and if you don't like it just cruise on to another blog. Also, I arrived at my opinion with 37 years of experience as an adopted child, friendships with other adoptees, 6 years as an adoptive parent and quite a few years in the foster parenting world working with biological families. This post won't leave you with a warm, fuzzy feeling about adoption.
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So let's really think about "gotcha day". What does it say to the child? We are celebrating our gain and someone else's loss. You should be happy that you are in our world, whether you wanted to or not. On this day in time, as a celebration is going on here, someone else's heart may be breaking. And I'm not just refering to biological parents who may or may not have made some bad choices (involuntary termination of parental rights as is usually seen in foster/adopt) or have had to make some hard decisions (voluntary termination of parental rights in infant adoption). I'm also refering to biological siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc who will never get to experience the life of that child and who may not have even had a say in where that child would end up.
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Am I happy that my parents adopted me. Yes!
Do I still have an enormous feeling of loss concerning my biological family. Yes!
Do my boys feel the same way? I know for a fact Riley does. We've talked about the conflicting feelings many times. He knows it's safe to talk about his family with me. I never say anything negative about his family.
Do members of their biological family miss them incredibly? Definitely! They didn't think they'd ever see them again after termination. Fortunately, we've been able to bridge a lot of that gap with letters, phone calls, visits and even Skype. We try to maintain connections.
Do I currently see the incredible pain that is associated with termination of parental rights, regardless of the situation? Yes! 
Do I think our boys and our foster child are better off in our family? I really don't know. I hope we are giving them some good tools to help them grow into adulthood. As an adoptive parent, it would be easy to see the bright side of adoption and how we are giving them a better life. In fact, I get that response a lot when people find out we've adopted and are doing foster care. But it isn't about us. It's about the child. And all I know right now is that along with the happiness, there's a lot of pain. But I firmly believe that by acknowledging the pain, it helps everyone involved.
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So that is the long version of why we don't celebrate a "gotcha day". We DO tell all of our children that we're glad they're a part of our family. We DON'T tell them that we're happy God gave them to us. I don't need any children angry at God for ripping their family apart. Sometimes things happen as a result of choices being made by people and God simply lets his people live with the consequences. It happened the first time in the garden of Eden and continues to this day.
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Sometimes our kids like being a part of our family and sometimes they don't, both bio and adopted. That's all part of being a family. At the end of the day, all of our kids will know they have a warm house, enough food to eat and somewhere safe where they will always be accepted.
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