Thinking of my younger brother today who is having surgery in Florida. I don't get to see him very often because he lives so far away but he's always close to my heart.  :)

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Only Bullet Points

Everything I want to write about today, I can't. Here's the bullet points......
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• My brother-in-law Dan's sister died yesterday.
• Court for the little one is on Wednesday.
• I'm extremely disappointed about something important to me.
• Brittney's been obnoxious and throwing teenage tantrums for about three days.
• I found out some current disturbing information about the boys' birthmom.

It feels like too much this week.
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Riley

This is just for the relatives that were interested:

Riley's grades were awesome! All A's & B's
Math - B
Reading - B
Spelling - B
Language - A
Science/Health - A
Social Studies - A
Art - S+
Music - S
PE - S+
Technology - S
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Emotional Day

I had a complete meltdown yesterday. Crying and everything. Thankfully, it was near the end of the day and not at the begining. I think it was a combination of personal issues I'm dealing with, combined with listening to case after case of children who need their parents to step up to the plate and be parents. Uggggggg. I was angry and my heart was heavy at the end of the day anyway and then Dawn reminded me that it was her last meeting with us. I think it was the final straw to my day. I don't do well with change and I certainly don't do well with losing someone. So I went home and had a meltdown. Later, I saw my mother-in-law and she asked me where Dawn was moving and I had to tell her she wasn't even going out of town. She just accepted a new position and I won't be working as closely with her anymore. Good grief. Thankfully, I texted a friend who knew exactly what my real issue was about. She picked me up and listened to me vent for an hour or so, offered a sympathetic ear and good advice. Then I was able to go back home, accept a big hug from my husband and parent my children.  Now this morning I can function normally again.
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My Amazing Husband

My husband is amazing. I'm lucky to have him. And no, he isn't hacking into the blog. I work with challenging kids almost 24/7 and sometimes I just need a break. Even if it's just a small one. Yesterday was an especially difficult afternoon at work and at the end of the day I informed my husband that I was going out for supper with my friends/co-workers. He didn't even flinch. He stayed home, fed the kids and got them ready for bed. I wasn't out late but it gave me back just enough sanity to go into the Social Service meetings today with a clear head and a refreshed heart.
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High School Orientation

So I was sick last night and Steve was sick this morning. I guess everyone got it but Brittney. We gave it to her friend who spent the weekend with us instead.
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I survived the day, all the kids after-school events and even made it to Brittney's High School orientation tonight. I actually felt pretty good by about 3pm this afternoon so everything after that was easy. It was fun to visit with other parents and some of my previous teachers at the high school. We were some of the last parents to leave because I kept chatting. And I claim to be anti-social  :)
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Good News/Bad News

The good news is that Brittney's cheer team took 3rd place at the competition today.
The bad news is that Anthony got sick and threw up at the competition.
The good news is that with each kid the flu has only lasted for about 12 hours.
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Today :( and :)

Today didn't have the best beginning with Riley and Taylor both throwing up. They've continued to sleep and throw up all day. I sent Steve's mom with him to Brittney's cheer competition in Sioux Falls and they also took Anthony. My sister came and picked up the little one because she kept trying to get into the bathroom with everyone else. She'll keep her until Steve gets back from SF. That means I was only left with 2 sick kids and Zeke. Everyone's asleep now except for me so I thought I'd get some laundry done and post a quick update.
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Riley spoke to his birth mom yesterday for the first time in 5 years. It went well. It looks like we'll be able to continue the conversations and possibly meet with her this spring. I didn't get involved in the conversation other than to be in the room with him in case he needed me and to monitor his end of the phone call. At the conclusion of the call, he gave me a big hug. Later in the day he told me he really misses his mom. He's got a lot to process and I only hope I can give him the support he needs.
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Riley

Our oldest son Riley is 10. We adopted him at age 5. He had been in foster care for almost a year. He wants to talk to his "old" mom. I understand. So last night, I requested her phone number and today he'll call her. I'll post about the response but I probably won't get too specific because ultimately it's between him and her.
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Intervention

After some wonderful intervention by family and friends, I'm definitely not crabby anymore.
*My co-worker gave me a hug for no reason other than she knew I was having a rough day. Anyone who knows me well knows I don't generally do hugs but there are a few safe people out there who hug extremely well and Laurie is one of them.
*My mother-in-law made me an entire banana cream pie (my favorite!) just because she knew I was having a rough week.
*My mom babysat last night so Steve and I could spend some time together after my board meeting. We don't have much time together and what little time we have is either taken up with children or we're too tired to talk. We were able to just sit and visit for a little while.
*Later last night, I was able to spend time with a friend that understands exactly what I'm going through. It was nice to have an understanding ear and some good advice.
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Today it's snowing and blowing so I cancelled our two Sioux Falls appointments and the little one and I are just hanging out at home today. We might clean and organize, we might snuggle and play, we might do nothing at all but stay warm and read a book :)
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Crabby

I'm officially still crabby. At least I finally figured out exactly what's making me irritated. Turns out, it's something that makes me sad but I didn't even realize it at the time. Anthony's therapist told him one time that anger is what happens when sad and afraid are hiding and can't come out. Pretty smart therapist.
Without getting into specifics, someone important to me won't be around anymore and it's apparently affecting me more than I thought. They weren't terribly accessible before but now they will be even less so, and I will probably never see them again in person (not by my choice). Before anyone panics, I'm not refering to the little one.
So that's the gist of why I'm having a bad week. If I had my choice, I'd stay home and bury myself in bed with a good book until spring :)
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Taylor's Cheerleading

On Saturday, Taylor and 144 other girls participated in a cheerleading clinic put on by the high school cheerleaders. Her teacher is the head sideline cheerleading coach, so that made it extra-special for Tay. Then last night, they were all invited to attend the boys basketball game and cheer at half-time. That's them in the sea of white shirts! I won't even try to tell you where Taylor is because she's so hard to see. She's the one in the white shirt and black pants. lol!

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Thanks to my wonderful mother-in-law, Steve and I used the game as an excuse for a date. She watched all the other kids and Taylor sat with her group, so we got to sit together without any kids and enjoy watching Taylor and the game.

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More Pictures From St Paul

Zeke & Taylor playing Wii in the waiting room

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Messing around in the exam room

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On the computer in the exam room,

 the intern played some of the older videos of Zeke's analysis

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Just waiting for the doctor

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Gotcha Day

Sometimes I'm vague in my posts because legally I have to be and sometimes I'm vague because I've been hurt by blogging to openly. Even though someone reading may not always know exactly what I'm discussing, God can still use the words to speak to something other than what I'm directly refering to. An example would be the verse that I posted yesterday. I intentionally wrote it without any explanation or reference because what I needed to hear from God yesterday might be different from what someone else needs to hear from God when they read it.
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That being said, sometimes I'm not vague at all and today is one of those days. Since Steve and I both have the day off and I have a few minutes and only three kids awake so far, I intended to answer the question that has been posed to me many times - How do you keep up with so much laundry and not have it laying all over your house, especially when you're working almost full time? Good question. And someday I might answer it. But yesterday someone asked me a simple question that I had a hard time answering so I decided to write about it. If you don't like what I say, tough! Read someone else's blog :)
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The question was refering to our boys and was something to the effect of "What was their gotcha day?". For anyone not well-versed in adoption lingo, "gotcha day" can refer either to the day that the adopted child came into the home or the day the adoption was finalized. In the adoption community, it's considered a wonderful and happy event to be celebrated year after year like a birthday. We never celebrated "gotcha day" while I was growing up but I had friends that did. While they were little, they seemed to like it. What kids wouldn't like being celebrated, right?
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We don't celebrate a "gotcha day" in our current household either and I'm about explain why. First, let me reiterate that it's only my opinion and if you don't like it just cruise on to another blog. Also, I arrived at my opinion with 37 years of experience as an adopted child, friendships with other adoptees, 6 years as an adoptive parent and quite a few years in the foster parenting world working with biological families. This post won't leave you with a warm, fuzzy feeling about adoption.
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So let's really think about "gotcha day". What does it say to the child? We are celebrating our gain and someone else's loss. You should be happy that you are in our world, whether you wanted to or not. On this day in time, as a celebration is going on here, someone else's heart may be breaking. And I'm not just refering to biological parents who may or may not have made some bad choices (involuntary termination of parental rights as is usually seen in foster/adopt) or have had to make some hard decisions (voluntary termination of parental rights in infant adoption). I'm also refering to biological siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc who will never get to experience the life of that child and who may not have even had a say in where that child would end up.
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Am I happy that my parents adopted me. Yes!
Do I still have an enormous feeling of loss concerning my biological family. Yes!
Do my boys feel the same way? I know for a fact Riley does. We've talked about the conflicting feelings many times. He knows it's safe to talk about his family with me. I never say anything negative about his family.
Do members of their biological family miss them incredibly? Definitely! They didn't think they'd ever see them again after termination. Fortunately, we've been able to bridge a lot of that gap with letters, phone calls, visits and even Skype. We try to maintain connections.
Do I currently see the incredible pain that is associated with termination of parental rights, regardless of the situation? Yes! 
Do I think our boys and our foster child are better off in our family? I really don't know. I hope we are giving them some good tools to help them grow into adulthood. As an adoptive parent, it would be easy to see the bright side of adoption and how we are giving them a better life. In fact, I get that response a lot when people find out we've adopted and are doing foster care. But it isn't about us. It's about the child. And all I know right now is that along with the happiness, there's a lot of pain. But I firmly believe that by acknowledging the pain, it helps everyone involved.
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So that is the long version of why we don't celebrate a "gotcha day". We DO tell all of our children that we're glad they're a part of our family. We DON'T tell them that we're happy God gave them to us. I don't need any children angry at God for ripping their family apart. Sometimes things happen as a result of choices being made by people and God simply lets his people live with the consequences. It happened the first time in the garden of Eden and continues to this day.
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Sometimes our kids like being a part of our family and sometimes they don't, both bio and adopted. That's all part of being a family. At the end of the day, all of our kids will know they have a warm house, enough food to eat and somewhere safe where they will always be accepted.
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II Cor 12:9-10

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you,

for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,

so that Christ's power may rest on me.

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New Arrival

Our family thankfully welcomes a new cousin into the family today after a day of prayerfully waiting!!!
Baby Anna Johnson was born at 5:30pm to my cousin Cory and his wife Tabatha.
She arrived a couple months before her due date and is a tiny peanut weighing in at just 3 lbs 15 oz but both mom and baby are doing well!
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Priorities

It's been said that anyone can easily tell where your priorities are by looking at your calendar and your checkbook. I think you could also add by checking the history of your computer. It's true - check it out! You might learn more about yourself than you care too :)  What would someone learn about you by checking those three places? Is that how you really want to spend your time and money? Is that how you want to be remembered when you're gone? Are the things you're investing in long-lasting or just temporary? Are you investing in things or people?
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Sometimes I have to remind myself what life is all about, regardless of what anyone else does.
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Today

Brittney has been dropped off at the high school to head to Pierre today for a Varsity Gymnastics meet. They left at 6am and will return sometime tonight. Brit thinks it won't be too late since there are only 6 schools competing today.
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Taylor will be going to the high school at 8:30am for a cheerleading clinic.
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Zeke has a special date tonight with one of his special olympic coaches. She's taking him out for supper and then to a hockey game.
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Steve's working at the bank from 8-12 today but has the weekend off from Swiftel.
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My goals for the weekend are few: clean the office and finish lots of laundry!
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Stir with a Knife

Sometimes I think about the oddest things. I wonder if my children will grow up thinking that the correct way to stir coffe is with a knife?
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 I remember having coffee with some of my friends at Perkins last year, back when we used to meet every Friday morning. Without even thinking, I grabbed a knife to stir my coffee and then found myself explaining why. The simple reason is that spoons are a commodity at our house. Between all the breakfast cereal and regular meals, there aren't a lot of spoons left at the end of the day. So a few years ago when I couldn't find a clean spoon I just grabbed a knife. By the next day, I was convinced that it was just as easy to stir my creamer with a knife - and there was always one in the drawer! So from then on, I've used a knife to stir my coffee. But I've never taken the time to explain why to my children. This morning as I was stirring, I was having visions of my adult children arguing with a spouse about the "proper" way to stir coffee!
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Appointment Recap

Now that I've had some sleep, here's the latest:

Zeke's appointment with his orthopedic surgeon went really well. She's pleased with how well he's doing and how everything looks. I can discontinue his physical therapies at the hospital, unless we decide he needs them again. I turned in the wheelchair since he doesn't need it at all anymore and he has clearance to go without his walker. He'll continue physical therapy at school twice a week and will use the walker for longer distances if he needs/wants to use it. He'll also be playing basketball once a week and I'll continue to do stretches at home with him. I'll take him to his doctor in Sioux Falls in a couple of months for his next checkup and just to check in with her because we don't have to go back to St Paul until August!
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Both Zeke and Taylor had a good time on the trip. We arrived in St Paul around 6pm Wednesday evening and left town around 4pm Thursday. Zeke's appointment wasn't until 1:15pm Thursday and were out of the clinic by 2:30pm so I was hoping to connect with someone while we were there but they couldn't make it work. If I was being honest, I'd say that I was really disappointed. But since I don't feel like being honest anymore because it hurts too much, so I'll say that it didn't bother me at all and go on with life.
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The roads were ok driving back so we were home by 8pm last night. All the kids were excited to see me, except Anthony, who is spending the night with Grandma Connie & Grandpa Larry. I have to admit, my favorite was the little one, who jumped right into my arms and kept saying, "Mommy, mommy, mommy!" She wouldn't let me put her down. Everytime I tried, she cried. And I thought she didn't miss me! I fell into bed soon after we got home and didn't get up until 5am this morning.
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Now to get all the kids ready and off to school and daycare so I can make it to Headstart by 8am. I'll jump in with my co-workers and we'll head to Madison for our in-service training all day.
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Wednesday night in St Paul

Watching TV while waiting for Dominos pizza

to be delivered to our hotel room.

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Time in the hot tub after supper.

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Now we're off to the hospital.

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St Paul

After a rough start on icy roads with lots of blowing snow, Zeke, Taylor and I all arrived safely in St Paul, MN. The trip that normally takes us 4 hours ended up taking 6 hours. Zeke's checkup with his surgeon is scheduled for tomorrow at 1pm.
I'll post more tomorrow when I'm not so exhausted.
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Thankful

This morning, I began to get frustrated about all the kids items that had been left laying around the house. Then I came upon this little pair of shoes.

I realized how lost I would feel if I came home one day and there was no little girl to leave her little shoes by the door.

So today I'm thankful, even for items left laying around.

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Riley at the rink

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Taylor iceskating

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Anthony at an SDSU basketball game with me

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Staci & Sandy with the cake Staci made.

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Part of Brittney's gymnastic team at the last meet

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Brittney getting an award.

She's the one in black.

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Waiting for competition

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My dad playing Just Dance 3 with Riley on Christmas Eve

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Family Updates

I've been very sporadic about blogging lately. I decided with the few minutes I have this morning, I'd just give a few updates on the kids:

Brittney competed in floor in the Varsity gymnastics meet yesterday. She scored an 8.5 and felt like it was one of her best routines. She has practice every night after school until 6pm and competitions most weekends and sometimes on weekdays. Her next gymnastics meet is in Madison on Friday evening.
Brittney's also on the senior team for Wildfire Cheerleading. She loves it but sometimes feels alone as the only 8th grader on the team. Her first competition for cheer is in Sioux Falls on the 22nd.
Brittney's new sport is hockey. No, she isn't playing - just watching. She purchased a hockey season pass this year and has definitely gotten her money's worth. There just might be a special someone that she goes to watch but I'm not allowed to say :)
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Riley has been playing basketball on Mondays and Tuesdays, going to piano lessons on Mondays and just signed up for Little League Baseball again in the spring. We're debating signing him up for wrestling or hockey. Brittney took him to open iceskate at the rink the other day for the first time and he was skating like a pro. The older kids there asked if he played hockey. I'm just not sure if our family could handle the financial and time committments of hockey, so we'll see.
Riley's done amazing this year in school and loves to help in the nursery at church. He's so good with the little ones and they love him!
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Taylor is also participating in basketball and piano. She and Riley play on the same days but at different times, so it's sometimes a challenge to get everyone to their spot on time. She loves to read books, listen to music and help in the nursery at church and hang out with me, but her all-time favorite activity is still socializing with her friends.
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Zeke will be starting Special Olympics basketball on Monday. In addition to his therapy at school, I take him to the hospital twice a week for physical therapy. He and I will go back to St Paul on Thurs 12th for a check-up. He seems to be doing amazingly well after surgery. We no longer use the wheelchair and he only uses the walker for long distances and at school when he might be easily distracted and fall down. I still do exercises with him every morning and some nights (I should be doing them every night, but sometimes life gets in the way) We try to keep him as active as possible to speed the recovery process along. He continues to wear his leg/foot braces when he walks.
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Anthony is doing excellent at school academically. He's smart and most subjects seem to come easily to him. The other day, Taylor asked me how to spell a long word and before I could respond, Anthony spelled it for her. He still struggles with authority and getting along with others. Ironically, all the kids in his class really seem to like Anthony, and thankfully, he doesn't seem to have any really violent tendencies. Which is good because he is a very angry little boy right now. In fact, if you ask him why we take him to Sioux Falls every week to see his therapist, Christine, he'll matter-of-factly tell you it's "because I have anger issues."
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The Little One is doing well but of course I can't say much about her. Here's what I can tell you. We just got to celebrate her second birthday. She's still with us and still in foster care. The next court date is in a month. She isn't able to be adopted at this point in time.
Isn't that just a ton of information?
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Steve is loving his job with 1st Bank & Trust. He works Mon-Fri from 7:45am to 4:45pm, with an hour for lunch. He's recently started working out over his lunch hour since the bank will pay for the membership. He's also been putting in quite a few hours at the Swiftel Center. Friday, he went right from the bank at 5pm and worked at Swiftel until 1am, then turned around and went back to Swiftel at 10am. So yesterday and today, he'll be at Swiftel from 10am until 10pm. He's saving the extra money to find a different vehicle for himself.
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ME.......I don't know what I'm doing. I told the physical therapists at the hospital that I was taking off my Super Mom cape and throwing it away. That was after missing two of Zeke's physical therapy appointments in a row. This whole Christmas vacation I was scrambling, trying to cover everything with all the kids. Obviously, I didn't do a very good job.
After a two week Christmas break, I'm back working at Headstart with kids who have special needs, although I seem to work with all the kids in the classroom at one time or another. Even if they're not on IEP's, a majority of the kids enrolled in the program have some sort of special need. I'm blessed to work with some wonderful teachers and I continue to learn new techniques from them every day. I'm there Mon - Thurs from 8:15am - 3:45pm, and occasional Fridays. This past Friday we had class and this Friday we have an in-service in Madison.
It's been a bit of a struggle (ok, a big struggle) for me lately because I'm trying to work through a lot of emotions concerning our little one. When something consumes my thoughts, all I want to do is curl up in my bed and read a good book, hoping that will keep my mind off all the things my mind wants to dwell on. Which would probably work well if I didn't have 6 kids :)
So a big thank you to all the friends and family that have chipped in and help deliver kids where they need to go and those who have had to listen to me vent about life. I couldn't do it without you!
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PS: My amazing husband willingly spent Thursday evening with 9 kids, including feeding them supper, so I could go out to eat with my friends!
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The Real News

The news clip of our family the other day showed a peaceful family playfully enjoying a board game together. If there was a camera in our house this morning, it would show:

Brittney pounding on the bathroom door and screaming at the top of her lungs at Riley to get out of the bathroom.
Taylor yelling at Zeke because he's not using the right bowl for breakfast.
Anthony telling Riley to "shut his butt" and then screaming and crying that everyone is calling him a baby.

Etc.........


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Back to School

The kids are back in school and so am I. Headstart began just one day after the older kids went back to school. I've got some stories and lots of pictures that I need to post but time seems to be getting away from me again. I told Steve last night that I'm having to slip back into my SuperMom cape and I feel like I'm not making it! Yesterday I forgot Zeke's physical therapy at the hospital for the second time and I still haven't picked up Anthony's birthday snacks for school.

Tonight, Steve's watching our kids and a few more so I can go out for pasta with a friend. I think he knows I really need some extra sanity right now! Plus, he's working at Swiftel all weekend so I'll basically be single parenting until Monday.
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PS: Brittney has a gymnastics meet at the High School in Brookings on Saturday if anyone is interested in watching her.
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