Life is So Darn Complicated

If I can help it, I'm not even getting out of my pj's today. I'm sitting here drinking really good coffee made from grounds that my mom and oldest daughter brought home for me yesterday. Yummy!!! Sometimes it's the little things in life that make you feel the most loved!
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It's Steve's Saturday to work at the bank so it'll be just the kids and me this morning. So far, Tay and the little one are downstairs watching cartoons and everyone else is still in bed. Which is good if I want to blog because I don't let anyone read what I'm typing until it's entered and saved. I'm not sure why that is since it's open to the public once it's printed anyway.
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I was able to have a nice visit with a friend yesterday after work about children and parenting. We've both faced some tough parenting stuff (her's much tougher than mine) and it's good to be able to talk with someone who really understands some of what we're going through.
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I'm also still trying to sort out some of Riley's questions in my mind and trying to figure out what's best for him. Lately, he really wants to see his old mom again. And a big part of me wants to make that happen for him. Partly because as a parent, I want to give him what he thinks he wants to make the hurting go away, even though I know it probably won't.  A part of me knows what it's like to have an almost physical pull towards someone who is completely inexcessible. I understand that incredible need better than anyone else. I'm just not sure if it will be a good experience for Riley or not. I don't want to give in now and make his life harder than it needs to be. I wish I could see into the future so I'd know how to proceed.
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My ultimate wish would be to take Riley to visit his "old mom" (his words, not mine).  She would hug him and hold him and tell him how sorry she was about the choices she made that made his life difficult. She would reasure him that none of what happened was his fault. I'm not sure that she is able to accept responsibility even now for how her actions and decisions scarred these little ones for the rest of their lives. She would tell him that she loved him and wanted to be a part of his life and would follow through on keeping in touch with him.  She would assure him that the family he is with now (us) is where he needs to be.  We would be able to have visits, calls and letters.
-Remember, this is my dream world :)
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I realize that she has feelings and dreams of her own concerning Riley but my greatest concern is to protect this little boy from getting hurt. She made her choices and will have to live with the consequences. Riley didn't have those choices. He has to live with the choices others (bio parents, social services, judges and us) have made for him. Is it any wonder he feels like he has no control over his life?
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All I want to do is protect him. Just like I make him wear a bike helmet or a seat belt, I do my best to protect his heart from getting hurt when I can, too. Will his 'old mom" be loving and helpful in his life or will she say things to him and make promises to him that she has no intention of following through on? Will she try to verbally lure him away from us or will she be supportive of our family, just as we will be supportive of hers?
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How much of my feelings come from my own life? Am I trying to protect him from certain things I experienced? Would I take him to see his "old mom" because I needed my biological mom and not because that's what would be best for Riley?  Do I need to let him be free to experience whatever happens? Or is he still too young? Will he be better prepared to deal with the emotional consequences when he's older? There are so many questions and I don't have the answers right now. To be honest, I'm not sure if I ever will.
Life is so darn complicated.
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