Halloween

We're going trick-or-treating tonight and Brittney has tryouts for the high school gymnastics team. Pictures later :)
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Rambling

Why do I wake up at 4am everyday? No wonder I'm tired by 8pm. Expect a rambling-type post due to lack of sleep.
I really want to go downstairs and organize the storage room before we leave town this morning. Steve and I are going to Sioux Falls to attend a seminar and need to leave town by 7:30am because the class starts at 8:30am and goes until 3:30pm. The class has to do with parenting children with challenging behaviors. I know both of the presenters so I already know it'll be worth our time. The other benefit will be the hour down and hour back that Steve and I can use to discuss things we haven't had time to talk about lately. I'm hoping we even have time for supper together in Sioux Falls. All the kids are taken care of all day and evening except for Zeke, who needs to be picked up by 6pm, which won't leave us much time after the seminar. On the drive down, I'm going to try to figure out something for him so we don't have to come back right away. It's complicated because of his wheelchair. Although I just remembered that Steve said it only costs $2 for the BATA bus for one way so maybe I can get someone to watch him if get him delivered to them. Told you this would be a rambling post.
I'd love to tell you why Anthony was in deep trouble with me yesterday afternoon but I'd rather go organize. It makes me feel like I have control over something and my life is in order. Very calming! So I'll write later about Anthony. Plus, I need to think through the whole confidentiality thing before I type about it because it involves someone besides just Anthony. Don't worry, I'll post about it - just not sure how detailed and when :)
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I'm Tired and Crabby

I'm tired and probably crabby this morning so it's not really a good blogging day. Then I noticed I haven't posted since Monday and thought I should update.
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Zeke is still doing well. I had a bit of a glitch yesterday because of his wheelchair. I'm not done at work until 3:45pm and on Wednesdays, my kids get out of school at 2:15pm. I've already arranged for Zeke to ride the bus with the wheelchair lift to the Club after school but because of logistics with paperwork, that won't start until Monday. With some help from Zeke's teacher at school, I made some phone calls and he was temporarily accepted into GAP (Great After School Place) although technically it should be called GASP. Thankfully, the staff was excited to work with Zeke since they knew of him already from school so the only problem was that Zeke didn't want to leave when I finally picked him up.
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I was so frustrated last night with a situation involving one of our kids (not the kid's fault at all - but involved poor decision-making by an adult who was in charge of said child) that after Steve and I put all the kids to bed, we watched two episodes of "I Love Lucy" just so we could laugh for a little while. I think I need to laugh more often. And sleep more often. I really just need 3 more hours in each day and maybe I could get caught up.
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Anthony Says

The following is from an email my mom sent while I was gone:

On the way back to Brookings today after we dropped Grandpa off at home, Anthony was telling me I needed to get a really cool pickup.  Then he said, “Grandma, when I get older, I am going to buy you a really hot pickup, would that be ok?  Of course, by then, you’ll probably be dead!” 
I just laughed on the inside because it was so sweet and innocent.  Then he said, “In fact Grandma, a week after the 19th, you’ll probably be a goner”. 
Let’s hope he doesn’t have the gift of prophecy!!!  What a cute kid!
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Church & School

Sorry about the lack of updating yesterday. It's terrible when I say I'll update later and then later is the next day. It gets a bit hectic around here sometimes and there isn't much computer time left so I sneak it in early in the morning. Anyway.......
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Zeke is doing awesome! He's not in any pain and is now completely off all medications - and it's not because he doesn't have feeling in his feet either. When I ask him to wiggle his toes, he can. When I ask him which toe I'm touching, he can tell me. He'll also let us know if we move him the wrong way and it's painful. But, thankfully, for his everyday activities and for sleeping, he feels fine.
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He wanted to go to church yesterday to socialize. It was easier to walk his wheelchair down the street than it was to load him into the van, drive three blocks and unload him. So we walked. Zeke sang his heart out during worship and then went to class and had all his friends sign his cast. I think he needs a bigger cast for all his friends! Then everyone headed out to lunch at Pizza Ranch with Grandma Connie and Grandma Sandy. When we made it back home, Zeke, the little one and I took a nap. Mine lasted three and a half hours. I think I was a bit tired.
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Side note on our little one - she keeps asking to wear underwear and use the toilet so Brittney helped her last night and she actually pottied in the toilet! What a smart little girl! She was so excited about it. I said I was going to wait until after Zeke's surgery to potty train her but maybe we'll be out of diapers before I thought.
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Today Zeke will be going to school. I visited with his teacher last night and I'll take him in this morning to get him settled. He's so excited to go! I don't think the wheelchair is going to slow him down at all.
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Home

We made it home last night around 6:30pm. Zeke was comfortable the whole ride home and everyone was excited to see him again. More later.

Zeke had more x-rays and everything is cleared for us to leave! We're just waiting on the prescriptions to be delivered and the nurse to go over discharge instructions with us. The timing is actually pretty good because Zeke's lunch will be delivered shortly (he ordered pizza again) so by the time he eats and we get in the van, we'll beat rush hour and he'll probably sleep most of the way home. I can't wait to see the kids again!!!

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Message from Brynn's Mom

Our friend Dixie, who we met three years ago when we spent seven weeks at this hospital together, wrote these words this week on their caringbridge site and I thought it was worth sharing.

Dixie's then 7 year old daughter, Brynn, was in a car accident in 2008 and barely survived. After fighting just to stay alive, they discovered that Brynn was paralized from the waist down. Here's what Dixie has to say after being on this new journey for 3 years....
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"For those of you who might be going through a tunnel now, take note of this wonderful quote from Corrie Ten Boom, “When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.”



We have learned many lessons these past three years. And most importantly we have learned that you can trust the Engineer!


“The Father is with me. I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world." John 16: 31-32. The Message
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Yay!!!!!!

We get to go home today!!!  We're just waiting on a few more things. We meet with Physical Therapy at 11am, the resident on duty needs to write discharge orders, our wheelchair and prescriptions needs to be delivered and I need to haul our stuff to the van. Then we're on our way!!!  Don't tell the other kids; we're going to suprise them tonight!
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Casting - Don't Look If You're Squeamish!!!

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Pictures

Waiting before surgery.

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The buzzer that the hospital uses to let us know when we need to check in at the next appointment of the day.

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Zeke messing around before surgery waiting for the doctor.

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One of the nurses checking Zeke's blood pressure.

We've worked with this nurse before

and I think it's cool that a nurse in a wheelchair helps Zeke!

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Gowned up before surgery.

More messing around.

He's telling you that I keep talking too much!

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The bear and blanket that he got before surgery

from Child Life at the hospital

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The actual technical terms for the procedures he had done.

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After surgery

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A look at his Robert-Jones cast.

That's the big white cushy cast on his right foot.

They put it on after surgery until the swelling goes down in a few days and they can put on the real cast.

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Happily eating pizza the evening of surgery.

He was done with the 4+ hour surgery at 2:30pm

and this was taken at 6:30pm!

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Costumed pet show in one of the lobbies last night.

I met a dad there from Mitchell, SD who's little boy was badly burned in hot bathtub water. His sister started the tub and I think their waterheater wasn't working correctly. The little guy is not even 2 years old yet. They've been here a couple of months now. The dad is hoping they'll go home in a few more weeks. Please keep them in your prayers.

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Zeke sleeping. They finally decided to give him his meds every 6 hours, so he was able to sleep more last night and so was I.

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Hanging out watching cartoons this morning.

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The chair I pull out and sleep in.

I won't miss it!

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Thursday

Zeke is still doing well but continues to ask when he can go home. They have disconnected him from most of the wires and tubes and have him on oral medication only. He hasn't been in any pain yet even though they keep lowering the amount of medication he is on. He did get mad at the nurse taking his blood this morning and told her she was mean. I got to visit with my mom and nephew today! They brought me lunch and books and made me laugh for a while, which I really needed. This evening we had a visit from our friend Rick, who recently moved to Minneapolis.  I'll blog more tomorrow morning and see if I can post some pictures. I'm just using the hospital's computer for now. Zeke is up in a wheelchair and wanted to go to the vending machine for more chocolate. He stopped by the TV in the lobby for a minute so I stopped by the computer right next to it. He fell asleep again so I'd better take him back to his room.
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"I think a lot of us need to forget about "God's will for my life". God cares more about our response to His Spirit's leading today, in this moment, than about what we intend to do next year. In fact, the decisions we make next year will be profoundly affected by the degree to which we submit to the Spirit right now, in today's decisions."   ~Francis Chan
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After Surgery

Brittney is correct - Zeke is fine! The surgery began at 9:27am and ended around 2pm. They were able to accomplish everything they needed to do. While he was in the recovery room, he was a bit crabby. Not because he was in pain but because he just seems to come out that way after being put under.
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Once he was fully awake, he was asking to eat. He hadn't eaten anything since 7pm the night before so I'm sure he was hungry but all they gave him was a popsicle. He chomped into it and had it gone in seconds. They wanted to give him more time for his stomach to "wake up" but he insisted on eating so they brought him some apple juice. He was supposed to sip it slowly but he downed that too. He kept asking the nurse in his sweet little voice,"Can I eat? I'm starving." I think she felt sorry for him. She brought him graham crackers and another popsicle and finally ordered him supper. When it came, he downed the entire little cheese pizza, chocolate pudding, a dinner roll and a rice krispy bar. The nurse and I both looked at each other and hoped he wouldn't be sick! He kept it all down and within a half an hour, he was asking us when lunch was. Poor boy had slept through breakfast and lunch so he thought we had given him pizza for breakfast. His sense of time was all messed up!
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Zeke didn't appear to be in much pain at all after surgery. He continues to amaze us with his tolerance for pain. I know he has feeling in his feet because they doctors and nurses continue to touch his toes and ask him questions about which toe they are touching and if he can move his toes. All motion and feeling appears to be fine.
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Zeke and I both enjoyed a visit from my friend Holly last night. It was good to see a friendly face from home. Zeke entertained both of us and especially loved the little stuffed animal she brought him that had a secret compartment with candy!
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Zeke slept really well last night, except for all the visits from the nurses to check on him and move him in bed. I'd forgotten how little sleep you get in the hospital. I slept on a pull-out chair in Zeke's room and will probably continue to stay with him until he's released. When they wake him up in the night and it's dark, he gets scared and wants me. Maybe tonight they won't need to check him as often.

Right now he has a big cottony cast around his right foot to just below his knee. The other spots for incisions just have wrap around them. If there isn't too much swelling in his right foot, they'll put the regular cast on Friday or Saturday. Zeke can't wait because he gets to pick out the color. Providing things go as well as they have been, they'll release us after the casting and a visit with the doctor and physical therapy, most likely on Saturday. He'll be in a wheelchair for 5-6 weeks since the doctor doesn't want him to put any pressure on the right foot until the cast comes off and he's back in braces.
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Zeke was peacefully sleeping in the room when I left so I'd better get back before he wakes up!
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Tired

My mother is too tried to Blog so I got stuck doing this dirty work!
Zeke is fine well i think he is because i talked to him on the phone.

Love Brittney

Super Quick Update

Surgery going well. Zeke went in at 9:27am. They've removed all the hardware, reconstructed his foot and are working on the toe now. Hope to be in recovery within the hour.
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Surgery Day

Today is surgery day. Here are the specifics:

• Check in at 8am
• Surgery begins at 9:30am
• The two orthopedic surgeons will remove the plates and screws from his previous surgery last year. The plates are in his upper legs and lower legs.
• They'll give him a shot of botox directly into his muscles. He's had it done before and it works really well. We don't have it done anymore unless they're already inside his legs. In layman's terms, it helps relax his muscles for a few months.
• The surgeon will do some work on his right foot. She'll be cutting out a wedge of bone on his right foot and some other reconstructive work. She worked on his left foot last year and we've been so happy with the results. His left foot rests flat on the floor now (his heel used to be up) and he isn't crouched over at all! Right now, Zeke's right foot curves inward, which makes it harder for him to balance.
• The surgeon will remove a bony growth on the fourth toe of Zeke's right foot. She's sure it's not cancerous so they won't be doing the biopsy. It appears to be cartilage that has broken off from his toe and started growing on it's own. Technically, it's a tumor but it won't spread and hurt him. It's been there at least three years and hasn't moved or grown. She's taking it out so that it doesn't bother him.
• Surgery should take 4+ hours.

Lots of people have asked if Zeke is aware of the surgery because he seems so happy. The answer is yes, he knows. He knows he's having surgery and will be staying in the hospital. He still loves it! He's excited about the pre-op because he gets to pick out a chapstick w/scent to put inside his mask - and he gets to take the mask home. He's excited after surgery because he gets to stay in the hospital bed with the TV that swings right over him and he gets to watch whatever he wants. He's excited for Friday because he gets a cast and gets to pick what color he wants. He's excited later because he gets to ride in a wheelchair. These aren't things I've reminded him of to make him feel better - he really is excited all on his own!
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I got to talk to all the kids on the phone last night. Even the little one. When I talked to her, she tried to look into the phone to see me. I think Tay is doing better and Brittney seems to finally over the flu. After we got off the phone, Zeke and I were both so tired that we crashed in bed at the hotel before 8pm last night. I tried to read but I was falling asleep too so we just turned off the lights and said good night. Which is probably ok because we've got an early start this morning. Zeke can't eat or drink anything so that means we'll both be avoiding the breakfast area, except for some coffe, of course!
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Afternoon at the Hospital

The first set of X-rays

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Looks like a mug shot but it's actually for an x-ray of his spine

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Checking out the spine x-rays on the computer while waiting for the doctor.

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A closer view of his spine x-ray.

You can see the slight curve of his spine.

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Right foot x-ray.

This is the foot they'll be working on tomorrow.

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Happily eating pizza AGAIN!

I couldn't stomach it again tonight so I stopped and picked up Chinese for myself.

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I received a call on the drive over yesterday informing me that the surgery time had been bumped up an hour. So now we'll check in at the hospital tomorrow morning at 8am. The surgery is scheduled to begin at 9:30am. It will probably take about 4 hours but Zeke is the only one on the schedule so she told me they'll take as long as they need to to accomplish everything they need to. Two surgeons again so that one will remove the hardware on the left side while our primary surgeon will work on the right side removing hardware and then the foot reconstruction.

He'll be in a soft cast until Friday, when hopefully the swelling will be down enough to put on the hard  boot cast. There's a chance we might get to go home on Friday :)

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Gait Analysis

Zeke's finished with his morning appointments and we don't have to be back at the hospital until 3pm so we're resting at the hotel for a while. Thanks to our special sponsor for providing the money for the hotel. This is so much better than hanging out in the hospital waiting room for hours!

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Here's some pictures from this morning.

Nothing happened to his head.

He wanted more red cobane wrapped everywhere and the doctors humored him.

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Yesterday

Yesterday was really hard on me. Anthony had tears in his eyes everytime we talked about how long I would be gone. Riley just got mad. Brittney was too sick to care. Did I mention that the flu has been going through our house? First Tay, then two days later I woke up to find that someone had thrown up all over the bathroom. When I tried to figure out which kid it was, they were all peacefully sleeping. When Riley woke up, he told me it was him. That was on Saturday morning. He was fine by Monday but then Brittney started throwing up. Anyway, I digress. I haven't had any coffe yet this morning so my mind is still sluggish!
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The hardest two kids by far were the little one and Taylor. I dropped the little one off at daycare and she happily went to Christina and then proceeded to tell all her little friends, "Hi!" She went around the room to each of them to give them a personal greeting. I asked her for a hug and she came back, gave me a hug and went to sit in her little chair for snack. I really struggled with leaving her. She has no concept of time and even though she didn't seem to care right then, I knew she would miss me as the days went on. I knew I would miss her. I had totally irrational thoughts of taking her with me. I got another hug from Christina and left before my emotions got the best of me.
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I went in to work at headstart but only stayed until 11am. Then I finished up prep for the trip and was at the school for Zeke by 1pm. He was so happy! He's been telling everyone who would listen that he gets to go see his doctor. When I went to tell Taylor good bye, my heart nearly broke. We started off with a hug and gentle reminders that I'd be back next week but soon her tears started. Eventually she was clinging to me and sobbing, telling me she wanted to go with me and begging me not to go. I stayed with her for a while and then eventually her teacher and I had to pry her off of me. Thank goodness for wonderful and understanding teachers! I couldn't do it without them. Anyone who knows me well knows that it takes a lot to make me cry. And Taylor almost had me in tears. So my prayer today is that God uses people to comfort and support my other kids.
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Today Zeke and I will have breakfast at the hotel and then check in at the hospital by 7:30am. Today is the gait analysis. It'll take most of the morning. Nothing painful for Zeke today :)
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I'm way too tired to write anything tonight so I'll post these pictures instead.

For anyone who thinks Zeke is worried about the surgery, he's not.

He's totally happy he's here and loves going to the doctor!

What a kid!

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Arrival in St Paul

Zeke and I arrived safely in St Paul and checked in to the hotel by the hospital. Zeke is happily watching Spongebob and waiting for his cheese pizza to be delivered. After that we're going swimming. I'll write more about today after Zeke goes to bed.   :)
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Zeke's Week

Here's the plan for Zeke this week:

He and I will leave tomorrow afternoon (after work and school) and drive to St Paul. We'll be staying with my sister-in-law and her kids that night.

Tuesday we check in at the hospital at 7:30am for a gait analysis. In the afternoon, he'll also have more X-rays and we'll meet with the orthopedic doctor. We'll check in at the hotel that night and head to the hospital in the morning by 9am for surgery.

The actual procedure is scheduled to begin at 10:30am Wednesday morning and will probably take 3-4 hours. I'll keep blogging throughout the day, if possible. Once the surgery is over, he'll be in recovery for a while. From previous experience with Zeke, it takes him quite a while to wake back up. Then they'll transfer us to a room upstairs and the waiting begins again. I'll probably just end up staying on the couch in Zeke's hospital room until he's released (hopefully Friday but probably Monday).
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It's God's Turn

"I can do all things
through Christ who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:13

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This morning I had to sit down and relax and let this verse run through my head. I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed (ok-that hit sometime two weeks ago:) and time is running out before Zeke and I head to St Paul. I was awake at 5am again today and I'm hoping to finish Zeke's laundry and get him packed today.

Yesterday I finished Riley and Anthony's laundry and packed away their summer clothes. They tried on winter clothes and I think they should be ready for the colder weather while I'm gone. I also did my laundry but haven't packed yet. Meals are ready for Steve, as long as we make it home by the following Monday. I think the kids' schedule is complete and emailed to the people that need it. The kitchen, bedrooms, dining room and bathroom are all cleaned, thanks to the kids and husband that helped yesterday.

I've been going back and forth with myself over whether I'm going to church this morning or not. That's another four hours I'd have to finish all the things I've got left to do. And it sounds like our water might be shut off for a while today while they work on our plumbing in the downstairs bathroom. But I have a feeling I've been taking God out of the equation too much lately as it is. I get a bit wrapped up in doing it all myself. I think it's time to "Let go and let God." He always works it out much better than I do in the end anyway!
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"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition,

with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble,

whatever is right, whatever is pure,

whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable

-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.

Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me

-put it into practice.

And the God of peace will be with you."

Philippians 4:4-9

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7am

It's 7am on a Saturday and I already have six kids awake and fed, Zeke delivered to his bus for bowling in Mitchell, a load of laundry in the washer and I'm sitting at the computer with my coffee. Every so often I hear yelling downstairs, but for the most part everyone is getting along so far. Steve's still in bed. I think I'll glance over my emails and then start some serious cleaning.
Steve's helping with a tailgating party at SDSU before the football game this afternoon so maybe I'll see if he can take one of the kids with him. I was going to suggest Riley but I just remembered that he threw up during the night and again this morning. I hope it's not contageous!
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Bitter-sweet

I'm already running behind today so this will be short and to the point. After everyone else is dropped off, Anthony and I will head to Sioux Falls to see his therapist, then back to Brookings for my final day at Berndt Produce. Kind of bitter-sweet. It'll be good to have something off my schedule but I'll miss Dawnna and the fun we have together. Oh, and I'll miss the money too :)
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To get through the hardest journey

we need take only one step at a time,

but we must keep on stepping.

– Chinese Proverb

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Tired

Yesterday after court, all I wanted to do was go home and crawl into my bed. I think I've had so many emotions that I've had to keep under control for the past few weeks that once court was over, I was just extremely emotionally tired. When I went to work at the Produce Stand and told Dawnna I was tired, she asked if I needed the day off. She's such a good boss! My emotional health was more important to her than keeping me at work. But as much as I wanted to go home and hide in my bed, I didn't. I stayed and helped and was so glad I did. I needed yesterday afternoon more than anything. The other gal who was working and I had so much fun with Dawnna! We were all just crazy! We laughed and entertained the customers the whole rest of the day. I laughed so hard my mouth hurt from smiling and tears were running down my face. I needed that! Then later that night after all my kids were in bed, I chatted on the phone with a friend for over an hour. I really needed that too!
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Update

Court is over. Things will stay the same until the next court hearing in December.
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Now I'm headed to work at the Produce Stand. Come on over and see us if you're out in the nice weather today! We're over by the Starolite Inn :)
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Court

Court for the little one this morning. I wish I could write more about what's going on but again, I can only write about my feelings, not specifics about the situation of a foster child. I was just telling someone yesterday that I seem to go back and forth between different feelings. One moment I'm believing that God's got it all under control and his will and timing are sovereign. The next moment I'm worried that the court system will make a poor decision. Eventually, I get mad that the whole thing is taking such a long time in a little girl's life. Then I circle back to God again.
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I need to remember that God's will is not always my will. God is definitely working in my life on patience and trust. Regardless of the outcome, we pray for protection for our little one and for God to be made known through her life.
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Day Off

Yesterday Steve dropped off all three boys at the Boys & Girls Club by 8:30am. They love it there! Then he took Taylor and the little one to his mom's to help her move some more stuff from her storage shed. When he checked the van a little while later, the money he had in the front seat was gone. Taylor had taken it! When he confiscated the money, he took her to the Club too! For the boys, it's like a reward. For Tay, it's like a punishment.
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When Steve walked in the Club to check her in, he was informed that Anthony, in the first hour, had already slapped a kid and had been written up. When the staff was questioned further, it was discovered that the other kid involved was Zeke. I'm still not sure exactly what happened but it was obviously a fight between the two of them. Which doesn't make me feel good but it makes me feel better. At least he's not randomly hitting other people. At least that's what I thought until I got a call from the Club last night and found out Anthony had been involved in another hitting incident, not involving a sibling.
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This boy has anger issues. So far it's been all verbal and internalized but it's obviously starting to coming out recently. I've instituted a few changes to try to help Anthony through this. I've made a manditory '5 hugs a morning' for Anthony before he starts his day. And for anyone that know me, that's a stretch for me because I'm not a hugger. Don't get me wrong - I do hug my kids - but for now with Anthony, it's intentional, deliberately making time and not being too busy with other things.
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One of the other things I've implimented is that Anthony is with me anytime he's not in school. We've discussed that it's not a punishment. It's because he's having a hard time making good choices. When he's with me I can help him make good choices. Unfortunately, I needed a break yesterday so I let him go to the Club - where he proceeded to have trouble. I'm not really sorry I took the day off yesterday with no kids at home all morning, though. I cleaned and organized my office. It makes me feel better to have something organized and structured in my life.
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So what else are we doing to help Anthony? I've kept in close touch with the school so they know what's going on and I think I mentioned before that I was checking into a therapist. I received a recommendation from another counselor that I trust and made some phone calls last week. One of the therapists I spoke with has experience with adoption, attachment and trama. She worked for quite a few years with Children's Home in Sioux Falls. As we talked, I discovered she knew our family from the summer adoption camp that we attend. She was one of the staff in Anthony's room the first year and she was one of the presenters in the parent's group this previous summer.
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Anthony and I met with her on Friday and the session went well. He wanted me to stay with him the whole time, which was fine with me. The therapist had lots of question for me anyway. About half way through, she did inform me that she was a christian and asked if I had any issues or questions about that. I just smiled and gave her the thumbs up! I'll be taking Anthony to see her every Friday morning for a while. We're praying that it doesn't become a money issue. Between gas back and forth and any co-pay, we could be looking at quite a bit of money in the long run. The sessions are expensive but should be covered by insurance and medicaid. (When we adopted the boys, we signed papers that stated that because we didn't know what issues the boys might face in the future, both medical and emotional, they would remain covered under the states medical system) So they boys are covered under our insurance first and medicaid second. That being said, we'll provide whatever Anthony needs. I can't say that we went into parenting with our eyes closed. We realized that parenting takes a lot of work and a lot money, regardless of the situation. I think this is another reason God allowed me to be back at Headstart this year.
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And I'm still not regretting my day off yesterday!
Paying for it today with kids' attitudes, but still thankful I got some time to myself yesterday.
Was it worth it?
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1st picture we saw of the boys.

I've posted this before but I pull it out to look at every once in a while

to remind me how far they've come.

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"You know, if this clingy phase keeps up,
we might have room for a dog."

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Trust in the LORD with all your heart

And do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

 

~Thanks for the reminder Sarah

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Life is So Darn Complicated

If I can help it, I'm not even getting out of my pj's today. I'm sitting here drinking really good coffee made from grounds that my mom and oldest daughter brought home for me yesterday. Yummy!!! Sometimes it's the little things in life that make you feel the most loved!
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It's Steve's Saturday to work at the bank so it'll be just the kids and me this morning. So far, Tay and the little one are downstairs watching cartoons and everyone else is still in bed. Which is good if I want to blog because I don't let anyone read what I'm typing until it's entered and saved. I'm not sure why that is since it's open to the public once it's printed anyway.
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I was able to have a nice visit with a friend yesterday after work about children and parenting. We've both faced some tough parenting stuff (her's much tougher than mine) and it's good to be able to talk with someone who really understands some of what we're going through.
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I'm also still trying to sort out some of Riley's questions in my mind and trying to figure out what's best for him. Lately, he really wants to see his old mom again. And a big part of me wants to make that happen for him. Partly because as a parent, I want to give him what he thinks he wants to make the hurting go away, even though I know it probably won't.  A part of me knows what it's like to have an almost physical pull towards someone who is completely inexcessible. I understand that incredible need better than anyone else. I'm just not sure if it will be a good experience for Riley or not. I don't want to give in now and make his life harder than it needs to be. I wish I could see into the future so I'd know how to proceed.
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My ultimate wish would be to take Riley to visit his "old mom" (his words, not mine).  She would hug him and hold him and tell him how sorry she was about the choices she made that made his life difficult. She would reasure him that none of what happened was his fault. I'm not sure that she is able to accept responsibility even now for how her actions and decisions scarred these little ones for the rest of their lives. She would tell him that she loved him and wanted to be a part of his life and would follow through on keeping in touch with him.  She would assure him that the family he is with now (us) is where he needs to be.  We would be able to have visits, calls and letters.
-Remember, this is my dream world :)
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I realize that she has feelings and dreams of her own concerning Riley but my greatest concern is to protect this little boy from getting hurt. She made her choices and will have to live with the consequences. Riley didn't have those choices. He has to live with the choices others (bio parents, social services, judges and us) have made for him. Is it any wonder he feels like he has no control over his life?
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All I want to do is protect him. Just like I make him wear a bike helmet or a seat belt, I do my best to protect his heart from getting hurt when I can, too. Will his 'old mom" be loving and helpful in his life or will she say things to him and make promises to him that she has no intention of following through on? Will she try to verbally lure him away from us or will she be supportive of our family, just as we will be supportive of hers?
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How much of my feelings come from my own life? Am I trying to protect him from certain things I experienced? Would I take him to see his "old mom" because I needed my biological mom and not because that's what would be best for Riley?  Do I need to let him be free to experience whatever happens? Or is he still too young? Will he be better prepared to deal with the emotional consequences when he's older? There are so many questions and I don't have the answers right now. To be honest, I'm not sure if I ever will.
Life is so darn complicated.
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No School

There's no school today but Steve and I are still working so we're running kids in all directions this morning. Riley and Zeke are going to the club, where Grandma Connie will pick up Zeke later today and take him to his pre-op doctor's appointment. The little one is going to her daycare. Brittney is babysitting Taylor at home. Tay is not happy about that! Steve is working at the bank as usual and I'm headed to Sioux Falls with Anthony to take him to his new counselor. As soon as we get back, I'll drop him off and then go to work at the produce stand. Hopefully we won't blow away today!
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Believe it or not, we actually have nothing but piano lessons on the schedule for Monday. Steve and I both have the day off and there is no school or activities for the kids.
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Yet Another Challenge of Parenting

I was looking at lots of pictures the other day for Zeke's birthday blog post. I was again thankful that we have loving biological relatives that have provided the boys with pictures of when they were little. I still remember when Riley needed to make a poster of himself for school a few years ago and we didn't have any pictures of him younger than age 4.
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Anyway, in looking through pictures, I found one of Riley (19mo), Zeke (8months) and their biological mom and dad. They all looked so young. I brought Riley in by himself and let him look at the picture because he's always so curious. He looked for a few minutes and we talked about the people in the picture. We discussed how his mom, in the picture, was only 5 years older than Brittney is now. Riley shared some of his memories of his parents and about things that happened to Zeke and Anthony. I hesitate to share the specifics here on the blog because those are Riley's thoughts and memories, not mine. If he wants to share them with the world someday, he can.
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It's heart-wrenching to watch him struggle with his feelings about his other family. I told him it's ok to still love someone but not like what they do. We talked about people making really bad choices but still being able to make better choices later in life if they chose to. We talked about my biological family and the similarities Riley and I have. I asked him if he wanted to call Grandma Lori or Aunt Brooke (so that he could have that biological connection for a few minutes). He looked up at me with his sad little face and replied, "Not in THIS mood!"
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I watched silent tears run down his face. After talking for quite a while, he asked quietly, "Why can I just have a normal family like everyone else?"
I had tears running down my face as I replied with the only answer I had, "Sometimes I wish the same thing Riley."
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Happy Birthday Zeke (a day late.....Sorry!)

Special thanks to Aunt Liz, Aunt Brook, Grandma Lori and Grandma Dee

for providing Zeke with pictures

of when he was little :)

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